Looking back on the days when I used to make music, i find myself shedding a tear for what it was i had that i passed up. I have only one person to blame, and that person is me. I might not have gotten anywhere with my music like i had wanted in the beginning, but as i matured as a composer i found it more and more gratifying to hear people tell me that my music was enjoyable to them. people from all around, and people i have never met.

For the longest time i had been in a slump when it came to making music, and i had basically given up hope of getting my flow back. i would try fruitlessly for hours a day just goofing off with different sounds, and nothing was sticking. well not too long ago, maybe late august, my computer crashed, along with FL Studio and every plugin i had ever obtained with it. My brother, being the wiz he is, gave me a small chance to save at least FL studio, but the problem was, i had so many gigs of sound files and plugins, that we really just didnt have the means to transfer everything in 1)a reasonable amount of time or 2) on a reasonable amount of CDs.

With the loss of FL studio, regardless of the fact i hadn't used it much in the past few months, I still can't help but feel that a chunk of me has died along with the loss. It was a talent that i was fondly proud of, and one i hoped i could share with my children. ( Oh speaking of which, me and my girlfriend/unofficial fiance are expecting!!!!!! im so fucking nervous and stoked about it!) But going through school and, with the expected arrival of a newborn XD, its gonna be a long time before i can get my hands on FL studio again. And this time i plan to do it legally, so that's gonna make it even harder, because its NOT fucking cheap :'(

before i even get that i would probably need a new computer.

It just depresses me to know i had something so special and let it slip by, no matter how small it may have seemed to anyone else. There will be moments where i will have beats or melodies flowing in my mind, and i have no means to convey their beauty to anyone anymore. I listen to music on the internet, and nearly lose myself in grief at the fact that i cant have the same fun anymore. I listen to all these artists putting their ideas out their and having a blast doing it, and think to myself that i used to be out there, doing the same thing. I miss the feeling of having worked on a song for 8 hours straight, and it all just coming together at the very end. And most of all the feeling i got when people told me they liked it!!!

I just wish i could get that small bit of magic back in my life. Please don't mistake this journal for me being completely unhappy with life, because that's not the case. I love my girlfriend and cannot wait for the baby to come! im sure the baby will usher in a whole new chapter to my life, and with it bring a whole new spark of joy and magic! I just wish i had a little bit of the magic i had back when i was growing up to share with my child(ren). I think that would have been super neat.

Who knows, maybe in the future when the child(ren) are older i will have obtained FL studio once more, and I'll be able to show them how to use it and let them experience the fun it can provide!!!

If any of you read this, and have never heard my music, PLEASE....PLEASE.....PPPLLLEEEAAASSSSEEEE go
here!